Fighting myself as an Obstacle

So, an Acting exercise from earlier this month, the Sleeping Partner, has been the most difficult task for me yet. I had a small talk with Sonia, one of my acting tutors, after I completed mine, which was the last of the day. She had given me feedback, not criticism, but heavy feedback that made me think about things I really don't like thinking about. I think it was because I was thinking this way (I wear my emotions on my face so I'm sure she could see how distraught I felt), she felt the need to approach me and discuss her feedback more with me.

Here's what I know about myself; I have a difficult time allowing myself to be vulnerable. I, the actor, Alariza wants to be able to be vulnerable truthfully because I would, frankly, be an even better actor if I could. I, the person, Alariza do everything I can to avoid being vulnerable. I like appearing strong and being vulnerable means being weak. The actor knows this isn't true, but I, myself, don't like being weak. I understand until I allow the person Alariza to be vulnerable, I the actor Alariza won't truly be able to be vulnerable, or at least take the biggest risks and acting choices. I'm so afraid of being weak, even in pretend, made up circumstances! I don't like feeling emotional pain. Give me Lady Percy, or Lady Anne—give me a disturbed Sam Shepard character—give me ANY character and I will cry, I will dive into vulnerability feet first! But once its me and its too real... I chicken out.

Sonia knows this about me. She called me out on it. I appreciate and respect her so much for telling me what I need to hear as an actor. I am my own worst obstacle. I was so positive and confident about my Sleeping Partner scene and had made bold choices.... up until the moment it began. No, up until the moment it was about to begin. At the last minute, I chickened out and re-wrote my circumstances. I always do this!!!!

Sonia at first said, “You have time. You have a whole year to work on it.” I looked at her and responded with, “That's not a lot of time at all.” She thought about it and replied with, “No, its not.”

I have been working on this for years. I know this about myself! Yes, Sonia tried to make me feel better by admitting that we all have baggage and all actors struggle with it, but it didn't help. I have suffered so much in my life that there is a mental block that stops me from feeling vulnerable and when I get in a situation that might cause me pain, I put my smiling mask on and walk around with my “Everything's going to be ok” attitude.

It sucks that I set myself up for failure yet again with this exercise, but I'm thankful to have a tutor to call me out on it and acknowledge its something I need work on. Now she knows. Now Robin will know. Hopefully, the three of us can help me with this mental barrier. I know that a year's work won't help much, but I'll be that much closer to confronting my demons. I'll be that much closer to being a great actor.